Wednesday, 15 September 2010

All in all it's just another brick in the wall

Hi, and welcome to my picture-less post, the computer to which the decent camera downloads is having a new fan fitted, and frankly I think I could do with going in the shop too. This having Anna starting school lark has really thrown me a curve ball and I don't know why.....well actually I know exactly why but that makes it even worse. For the last seven years I have been a Mum, I have worked two days a week throughout but essentially I have been caring for my children, holding their little hands through those early days and now I feel redundant. I didn't exactly have a career before but I guess I was always thinking in the back of my mind that the most important job of having children was yet to come, and now, what's next? It could be a really exciting time, the course, a little more freedom, but for now it just all seems a little empty. I have no idea how to define myself, the fact that I make things has always been so important to me but now even that seems hollow, though it is keeping my sane at the moment (I think). The silliest bit is that Anna is only at school for two and a half hours a day at the moment so the best/worst is very much still to come. I don't want to fill my three days with coffee and chats, shopping and housework. I can do a bit of those things but it isn't enough and I'm not sure I really value what the City and Guilds might do for me, I'm not sure I value myself enough. The other thing that scares me is that the course is distance learning, so it won't get me any contact, any reason to slap a grin on my face and look cheery, which I reckon is the first step to feeling that way. I'm not sure I have ever written quite such a heart on my sleeve type post before but I am hiding at the moment and I really don't want to shut the door completely, I like to think that the world is counting to ten and will come to find me in just a minute.

16 comments:

Gina said...

Hang on in there Jenny - that all sounded very familiar and it took me quite a while to sort out what I wanted to do for me but it did happen. Meanwhile you are still doing that most important job of being a mum - just because the children are at school that doesn't alter anything. Hugs x

Kitschy Coo said...

Oh my, what an honest post. I've not been doing this parenting thing for as long as you but with Jamie now in school (already it's full days!!) and Maia at nursery / childminders I'm feeling exactly as you do. It's almost a bit of a bereavement that The Time of Dependant Small Child is over, that they are exploring the wider world without you, and I feel the same emptiness and confusion about where I go from here.

I'm sorry I have no advice to give (except to say treat yourself kindly), but I wanted to let you know that I'm right here with you. xx

wonderwoman said...

it will get better, honest! you will always be a mum, but now there is time maybe to think about what you want to do. this is just a different stage of your life, and the next will be even more exciting, as they grow up they want you in different ways. I know how you are feeling, all mums will, but it will pass and soon you will probably be running round like a headless chicken wondering where all that free time went!!!

xxx

Daisie said...

It's very hard and redefining your role is very hard too, I have struggled with that since Elizabeth first started at nursery school and am still not quite there.
Thinking of you and sending love, xxx

Jenny said...

Sadly I had to work full time when my daughter was born and have never had the opportunity to be a stay at home mum. When my little girl started school she had already been at a childminder all day 5 days a week. She is 22 now but still needs me just as much as she ever did, I still feel like a mum!

Jackie said...

Just hand on, its just a phase. And there will be many new and different phases in motherhood, which is why its quite important to remember you are also a woman and an individual. You will soon find yourself again and adjust. I didn't realise your C&G was distance learning. Do they have times when you meet up?
Who is running it?
aybe you could find others in your area wh are doing it too?

Simply H said...

Oh Jenny, I know exactly how you are feeling - and my littlest doesn't start until next week!
I am dreading it, but I think everyone has left really good advice. I guess it is a case of getting used to new routines! xx

The Early family said...

It's hard to think about what we need for ourselves when we are so used to not having the time to because we are so busy looking after everyone else! My sister once said to me when I was feeling a bit lost "the most important job you have is taking care of your child's mother:)" Take your time figuring it out Jenny. All will become clear I'm sure.
Hugs
Clare
xxx

fay said...

I too, have felt the way you do right now. It is a difficult stage. Have faith. You are always evolving. Hang in there. Remember, you are ALWAYS a mother. My kids are teenagers now, and although they are always busy with one drama or another, I feel sometimes they need me more now than ever!:-)

chris, milatos said...

How you feel will pass.I remember how I felt when mine started school, me crying them running in to meet new friends. My daughters are 27 and 30 they still phone me and need me, and at a drop of a hat I am there.You will soon find plenty to do as time passes.Stay positive.

Mama said...

Ooooo sounds as thought you need cheering up via international mail...which should (hopefully) be there soon as it will be a week tomorrow since it has been mailed.

xx-
RMR

Griffin said...

...Ready or not here we come!! :) Start hiding now!!

I have never been a parent so I have no idea what it's like. But, you are whoever you want to be Jenny. A mum, a wife (soon!), a crafter, a Jenny, you decide!

You know, you really ought to value yourself a lot...because you're really truly worth it. Just ask teecher, he'll tell you!

JuliaB said...

Poor you Jenny .. don't worry .. it's just change that has stopped you in your tracks. You'll soon see that your mothering skills will be more needed than ever! And they won't ever be redundant. Even with my J being 15, he needs us parents more than ever right now .. You'll soon find your groove again. xx

Twiggy said...

I felt exactly like this when Twiglet started school last September. He started full time in reception from day one. As he is my onesie, the house was too quiet. Basically I started a new routine for me, but it is weird as I'd always worked full time right up until having him. I'm still around for him and lucky enough to live near his school so I get to take him, collect him and I'm on hand if needed. I work part time but have to do this when Mr Twigs is at home in the evening or weekends, so I'm at home during the week. It's amazing how I manage to fill my time and although I sometimes feel sad that time is whizzing by, I'm happy we have a happy, confident little chap.
You'll get there
Twiggy x

karen said...

you are always a mother, whether they are at school, on another continent, whatever. It is the best thing for them to just know you are there and always will be.Helen has lived in London for 5 years now and I still miss her every minute of every day, but I'm her mum wherever she is and knowing that she knows that too is enough.

karen said...

and you could always have another baby...especially now he's making an honest woman of you!