Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Harvest festival

This is my panel for my City and Guilds. I printed with vegetables and acrylic paint on fabric, added machine and hand stitch and then applied them to a pre-made canvas. I added padding behind some and some loose elements like roots and leaves.

I have until the end of this month to finish two more resolved pieces and my foundation folder of collected information. I can do this- the house will go un-cleaned but I can get this done. I have spent too much time and money on this to not make the final push to get it done. 

If there is a lack of sparkle and excitement in this determination it is not because I have lost my love of stitching- not one bit. I am struggling a bit if I am honest, and shouldn't we be honest when it all gets a bit much? I turned forty this year and in terms of an introspective assessment on the progress of how my life is progressing and how much I have achieved it was like all the worst New Years  rolled into one. It doesn't really matter that I have been so very very lucky- loving family, healthy children, enough money, somehow the guilt that I am not full of the joy of living despite these fortunate circumstances is just another gloom to add to the pile. 

Adding to my general feeling of grey is the frequency with which people are asking 'what are you going to do with that then?' when I mention my working towards my certificate. The answer is nothing. At the start of this whole journey it might have been; who knows? I was excited then that I was moving forward putting my self 'out there' for new experiences, to learn new skills. I honestly thought the world was my machine embroidered oyster. Now, well actually the way I have studied has been really isolating. I have shared my work here but actually no one will see it in real life- no one will touch it or, I hesitate to type this, admire it. To create is surely about expressing oneself. I am expressing into a void.- wow how melodramatic does that sound? It's how I feel, about more than just the sewing.